His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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