I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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