When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize