Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
