Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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