sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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