the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
