Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
