My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i want to swaddle you in tequila
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
