I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
