Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
