He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
