Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Ladies don't puke and tell
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
