You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
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