i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
