you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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