i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
