You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
