hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
