I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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