I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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