you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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