remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
