I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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