Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
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