grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
