got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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