just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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