meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
