theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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