So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
