don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
