Fine. I'll sleep in my office
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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