I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
