1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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