it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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