did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
