I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
