i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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