She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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