I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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