It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
