I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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