I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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