i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
