Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
