let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
