My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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