My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
