Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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