I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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