New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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