dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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