My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
