decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
