Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
