Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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