Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
