idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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