I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
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Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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